


Only Us (Steve Rogers x Reader)

by neilmackays



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 13:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neilmackays/pseuds/neilmackays
Summary: Y/N has been friends with Steve Rogers for years, and has been in love with him for almost that entire time. What she doesn’t know is that her feelings may not be unrequited, after all…





	1. Chapter One

It had been a long, hard, exhausting mission.

When she'd gotten to her room after clearing medical, she hadn't even taken off her combat suit. She'd crawled under her sheets, pulling them up to her chin, and was now seated with her back against her headboard, staring blankly ahead as she processed what had just occurred. She didn't even flinch as she heard a knock on her door - her only response was to turn her head slowly towards the source of the noise.

It was Steve standing in her doorway, and she was not surprised in the least. He always checked on her first right after a mission - something that she attributed to the proximity of his room to hers instead of giving in to the spark of hope that threatened to envelop her chest. She tried to ignore the fact that he was clad in only the black long-sleeved undershirt he wore under his suit on missions as he took a step into the room. Like her, he hadn't showered yet, and his hair was a mess, a small tiny blonde strand falling across his forehead. 

“You alright?” 

She was broken out of her ogling by his question, and she felt her chest flutter with affection. This was why she'd fallen for him, hard - because he wasn't just the most beautiful man she'd ever met. He was kind, he was honest, and he was true to what he believed in. He was sincere and smart, compassionate and forthright. He always, _always_ checked in on everyone else first after a mission. 

“I’m fine,” she assured him. "Really." She met his eyes knowingly. “How are _you?_ ”

“I’m okay. Only a couple of scratches,” he replied, trying to brush it off. When she rolled her eyes, he raised his eyebrows. “What?”

"You got hit pretty hard, Steve. I was there." She swallowed hard at the memory - she'd been in the room when he'd gotten completely blindsided by a punch in the gut.

He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Did you even go to medical yet?" she questioned, and saw his jaw clench - she knew the answer immediately. "Didn't think so. Why do you always have to check in on everyone else first before you allow yourself to be okay?”

Surprise flashed across his face for a moment before it disappeared again. He obviously hadn’t expected her to call him out.

“I’m fine,” he repeated.

She leaned back against the headboard again. “Okay, Cap,” she conceded softly, sending him a gentle smile.

She looked away, but she could still sense him in the doorway. A few moments passed and she remained silent, giving him time. He was a man whose words were always well thought through and meaningful - if he’d stayed, there was a purpose for it. This time, she guessed that it was because he was thinking of the right way to word his thoughts.

“I’m finally able to take care of people.”

She looked up again as he spoke, eyebrows furrowing. “Hm?” She hadn't been expecting that.

He sighed, his blue eyes holding hers for a moment before he dropped his gaze to the floor. He took a few steps forward, sitting down cautiously in her desk chair. She couldn’t help the tiny smile that graced her lips despite feeling the incoming heaviness of the conversation - because she knew that Steve wasn’t comfortable enough with most people (especially women, based on the time period in which he was raised) to just enter and sit in their room without permission. They’d been good friends for years since she'd joined the team so it didn’t surprise her that he’d done it in hers, but the thought still made her smile.

“When I was younger, I couldn’t save myself, let alone anyone else,” he continued to explain, and she was broken out of her reverie. “When they put the serum in me, I was finally able to help people. Now it kind of feels like that’s what I’m obliged to do.”

She was entirely taken aback. She'd known he felt responsible for keeping everyone safe, but she hadn't known the extent of it. She felt her heart break a little.

She paused for a moment before shaking her head. “You’re also obliged to take care of yourself, Steve,” she said softly. She knew she was treading in dangerous water with a man who’d literally tried to lay down his own life for others multiple times before. She cautiously lifted a hand to rest on his arm, and his gaze fell to her hand for a brief moment before meeting her eyes. She tried to ignore his intense gaze as she repeated, “Steve. How can you take care of anyone else if you’re not okay yourself?”

His gaze stayed on hers for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed, and she felt her breath catch in her throat. He finally broke away, appearing deep in thought, before he let out a quiet, heavy sigh, leaning back in the chair and running his fingers over the stubble that was grazing his jaw. His free hand was clenched into a fist that rested on his knee, and she took a deep breath before swinging her legs over the side of the bed, sliding her fingers down from where they rested on his arm and gently prying his fingers apart. 

"Are you okay, Steve?" she finally asked softly, breaking the silence and watching the emotions play out across his face. He was normally so stoic and calm, but she could see the conflict in his eyes as he looked up at her again. She was surprised as he suddenly threaded their fingers together and held on tight, closing his eyes. His long eyelashes danced across his cheeks, and she wrapped her free hand around their joined ones. She didn't dare move or breathe - all she could do was watch, and wait. She knew he'd bottled up so much emotion while trying to be the brave one in the group, and he needed to let it out. She could only pray that maybe she would be the one to help him do that.

But then he'd stood up so quickly that the chair had gone backwards with a screech, and their hands had fallen apart so fast that it took her a moment to register what had happened.

"I'm gonna go check on Wanda," he said abruptly, and then he was gone, the door closing behind him. 

She stared at the closed door, stunned. She wasn't sure why, but her heart felt like it had broken a bit more at Steve's abrupt departure. After all these years, she had really thought that this was going to be the time that he opened up to her completely. 

She finally swung her feet back up onto her bed, her eyebrows furrowed. She felt tears begin to prick at the back of her eyelids, and she hastily cleared her throat to get rid of them. She knew they were good friends, but maybe that deep, dark part of him was meant for the one he would eventually fall in love with.

She wanted so desperately to be that somebody.

There were moments, glimmers of hope that maybe he felt the same way - soft glances, gentle touches, compliments. Movie nights where his arm was thrown around her and his laughter was in her ears. Difficult missions where he sat beside her in the Quinjet on the way home, and rested his hand on her knee as a gesture of comfort. Difficult missions where she'd been so exhausted that she'd woken up when they landed with her head on his shoulder and his soft blue eyes sending her a gentle smile of reassurance. That time she'd gotten seriously injured and had woken up to find him asleep in the chair beside her bed in the med bay.

But in all the years she'd known him, Steve had never made a move once to make them definitively more than friends. He was a good man, and a great friend, but maybe all these little moments were only representative of that friendship.

She rolled over, turning off her bedside lamp, and closed her eyes tight. She had to find a way to accept that she wasn't going to be Steve's person, even if she knew deep down that he was hers.


	2. Chapter Two

It had been nearly a week since that night in Y/N’s room, and things between her and Steve were, well - strange. Every time they were caught alone in the kitchen or common room together, there’d be an exchange of smiles that didn’t reach their eyes, and a quiet hello. It was a stark difference from the close friendship she was used to, and she hated it. She felt her heart break a little more every time he left the room. Had she pushed him too far?

She wandered into the training gym one morning, stifling a yawn behind her hand. She hadn't slept well the night before - well, if she was being honest, it wasn't the first night she hadn't slept well. She’d had a long week. The team had been called to a training session by Natasha that morning, and Y/N had just barely gotten her breakfast in. 

As she entered the room, she did a quick scan to see who had already arrived. Bucky was in the corner, tying his hair up into a bun; Nat and Wanda were chatting while stretching on the mat; and Tony was inspecting Vision's suit. Her breath caught in her throat as she heard a quiet, "Hey," from beside her, and turned to find Steve in all his training glory. He was in the middle of rolling up his sleeves, and he sent her a quick nod before heading over to Bucky. Her heart was still pounding after the two-second interaction as her eyes followed him across the room.

"Alright!" Nat called out, stepping into the middle of the room. She shot Sam a look as he ran into the room with a loud apology for being late, before turning back to the group. "We're gonna spar in partners today. Remember, your powers can be helpful in a battle, but today is about hand-to-hand combat. No cheating," she said, looking pointedly at Tony, who held up his hands with a shrug. "Alright, let's go. Sam's with Wanda, Bucky's got Vis, I'm on Tony, and Steve, you've got Y/N." She clapped her hands, and everyone moved towards their partner. 

Y/N felt frozen to her spot. Of course. Luckily for her, Steve took it upon himself to head towards her first. She braced herself for more awkwardness, wishing desperately that she could be anywhere but there.

"Ready, partner?"

She sent him back the sincerest smile she could manage with a nod. She cracked her neck, trying to prepare herself for the ensuing fight - both mental and physical - and headed over to an open spot on the mat.

She turned back to Steve, only to find him with his hand out flat in between them. She furrowed her brows in confusion before realizing what his intention was. They hadn't done their pre-spar handshake in a couple of weeks now, and she'd spent so much time thinking about the current awkwardness between them that she was completely caught off guard by the action. He raised his eyebrows, and she felt her shoulders relax a bit as she placed her hand on top of his and they followed through with their quick handshake. When they finished, she felt her heart unbreak the smallest bit. 

As Nat began to spar with Tony, she yelled out instructions. Y/N and Steve were of different physical stature, but of equal smarts when it came to hand-to-hand combat, so she knew it would be a fun challenge. They circled each other for a bit, throwing some punches into the air back and forth, and she felt herself growing confident as she threw a punch and caught his look of surprise - he hadn't anticipated that one. She overestimated herself, though, and when she attempted to kick his legs out from under him, he'd collected himself and before she knew it, she’d ended up on her back on the mat.

One of Steve’s arms was on her chest, keeping her down, while the other was beside her head, and his knees were on either side of her waist. She felt her stomach twist as he breathed heavily above her, and her competitiveness began to fade as he stared down at her. She tried to concentrate, but then his eyes fell for a brief moment to her lips, and she couldn't breathe. His hair was falling into his eyes, and if he hadn't broken the spell in that moment she would have reached up to brush it away.

He held out a hand to help her up, and her skin burned at his touch. She shook out her arms, managing to brush it off as her preparing to spar again, but she was really just trying to shake the feeling that had overtaken her entire body. They squared up again as Natasha yelled out more instructions, and as her and Steve began to circle each other again, Y/N forced herself to concentrate. 

Steve's head suddenly whipped around as Natasha yelled out a string of violent obscenities, and the whole room’s attention was on her. Y/N took the opportunity to kick Steve's legs out from under him, and he landed on his stomach on the mat in front of her, his arm twisted up behind him and in her grip. It was silent for a moment, before she heard the telltale sound of Steve's laugh starting to bubble up in his chest.

She released him and he rolled over to sit up, his arms resting on his knees as he stared up at her, shaking his head and grinning from ear to ear. He was absolutely beaming, and though she was caught off guard at first, she quickly felt her own mouth start to turn up. Soon enough, the two of them had fallen into a fit of laughter while the rest of the group looked on in amusement.

She held out her hand and he reached for it, hauling himself up onto his feet, the smile still on his face. "You got me," he conceded, reaching out for the traditional end-of-fight handshake, and he shook her hand with a firm grip. She couldn't stop smiling either, and her heart was racing as he let go of her and shrugged at the group that was still watching. 

"Alright, folks, now that Y/N has obviously slayed Cap’s ass," Nat said, clapping to get their attention. "We're gonna switch up partners."

About a half hour later, the group concluded. Y/N was one of the first to head out, but she waited by the door - she had finally grown the courage to talk to Steve after the moment they'd had, and she had to do it now before she chickened out.

She waited until he passed through, talking to Bucky. She gently reached for his arm, pulling him back by the wall and letting the rest of the group pass. It was quiet between them as the group left in single file, whooping and laughing and talking about what was for lunch. Sam was the last to trickle out, sending the two of them a quick salute - which Steve returned - as he headed off down the hall.

Steve turned to her, a smile on his lips at Sam’s antics, but she could see it didn’t reach his eyes. When his gaze met hers, there was only question and concern.

“What’s up?”

She sighed, turning to lean her back against the wall. “Are we...” He crossed his arms, his eyes never leaving her face as he waited for her to continue. “Are we okay, Steve?”

He inhaled a quiet breath, but in the echoing silence of the hallway, she heard it. She turned to meet his eyes again, but he was looking at the floor. She felt her heart clench - maybe they weren’t fine, after all.

His head finally lifted after what felt like forever, and he sent her a soft, Steve smile. He took a step forward, uncrossing his arms and using the one nearest to pull her in to his chest. His other arm came to rest on her back, and she felt her heart thud in her chest as he held her tightly to him.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, his voice rumbling in her ear. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

She felt her eyes begin to fill with tears, and she squeezed them shut. “Okay,” was all she could manage, and Steve hummed in response.

Her eyes flew open as she felt pressure on her hairline. He had kissed her forehead. Had he ever done that before? 

He released her, his hand gently grabbing one of hers and squeezing, before he let go and tilted his head towards where the group had gone. 

"Lunch?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy! Please shoot me a comment if you're liking this, and follow me on Tumblr @airforcecollins!
> 
> PS - this is only gonna be a short series, so I won't leave you guys hanging without an ending ;)


	3. Chapter Three

Things seemed to return to relative normalcy between Y/N and Steve over the next few days. Her heart still ached when he smiled at her or when they resumed their movie nights at the tower and he laughed from his seat beside her – but she was getting by. She had to.

(Even though she noticed that he refrained from putting his arm around her on the couch, and every time they so much as touched when handing over the milk at the breakfast table, he seemed to flinch.)

And so, she was ready to let everything go, no matter how much it broke her heart, until the team went on their next mission. After successfully capturing an arms depot, Steve stood by the cockpit in the Quinjet on the way home, staring straight ahead, instead of sitting next to her.

When the plane disembarked, and the ramp lowered to the ground, Steve held up a hand before anyone could leave.

“Is everybody okay?”

It was silent for a moment as the group exchanged looks, most of them with eyebrows raised. They all nodded in silence, and Steve nodded once in return.

“Okay. Good.”

He turned on his heel without another word, heading down the ramp and disappearing into the compound. None of his usual one-on-one check-ins, no firm arm squeezes of reassurance – nothing. Everyone else followed him slowly, murmuring in confusion between them, but Y/N stayed behind. She bit her lip, staring at the ground in front of her, and let out a sigh. 

What was up with him?

She knew that he’d been dealing with a lot lately, which was why she’d brought it up to him in the first place the week before, but she didn’t think that he would shut off completely. Especially after the last few days, she’d thought everything was fine again. Was it her fault? Had she pushed Steve to the breaking point? She felt like crying.

“You coming?”

She looked up to find Bucky, his eyebrows furrowed as he crouched in front of her. She sent him a soft smile and a nod, and he stood up, reaching a hand out to help her up. The two of them walked side by side towards the building, Y/N still deep in thought. Bucky was silent, for which she was grateful – he wasn’t the type to ask questions if someone wasn’t overtly willing to give the answers. But when they reached the elevator, the super soldier finally broke the quietness between them.

“He’ll be okay.” She turned to him, surprised that he knew exactly what she was thinking about. He sent her a tiny smile, brushing a lock of hair behind his ears before pushing the elevator button. “You’re not the only one who cares about Steve.”

She sighed, crossing her arms with a nod. “Yeah.” 

They waited for the elevator to descend, her eyes following the red light as it reached each floor. Bucky extended an arm as a gesture for her to enter first, and she let out a soft laugh at his inherent chivalry. When the elevator reached Bucky’s floor, he held the door open with one hand and turned back to her.

“He cares about you too, you know. He really does.” With a soft tap of his hand against the metal of the door, Bucky smiled and turned to head down the hall. She stared after him as the door closed, her mind racing.

He couldn’t have meant what she thought he meant by that. There was no way. Steve wouldn’t have pulled away from her like that the way he did the other night if that were true. When the door opened to her floor, she moved slowly down the hall to her room. That night, she found it even harder to sleep.

*****

The next morning, she was up early. She sat at the table, absentmindedly eating her cereal when the door to the kitchen opened. She turned in surprise, not expecting anyone to be up as early as her. She definitely hadn’t chosen to be awake. She felt her breath catch in her throat as Steve walked in, stopping abruptly when his eyes landed on her. He obviously hadn’t been expecting anyone to be there, either. 

“Morning,” he said after a moment, and she returned the greeting. He headed over to the sink and she watched his back as he refilled his water bottle. He was wearing a black Under Armour shirt and track pants, and it dawned on her that he was probably going for a run. “Couldn’t sleep?” 

She was startled from her thoughts when he spoke again, and she met his eyes. He had the gall to look concerned, his eyebrows drawn together, and she cleared her throat before looking back down at her cereal. “Nope.”

It was quiet between them, and she willed for a time machine to take her back to when she hadn’t pushed him to the point of awkwardness.

“Feel free to say no, but do you want to come for a run with me?”

Her head snapped up to look at him, surprised. “Huh?”

He laughed then, a genuine, Steve laugh, and she felt her heart flutter. It had been a while since she’d seen that. “I’m going for a run,” he repeated as he gestured at the door. “It’s nice out.”

She willed herself to stay composed, returning his words with a nod. “Yeah… okay. Just let me get changed.”

*****

After stretching, they started off at a brisk walk. It was quiet between them again, but Y/N was okay with it this time, because every so often Steve would give her a smile of reassurance. She watched as he breathed in the crisp air, her heart lifting with every single moment that passed. He seemed so calm and relaxed out here. 

“Running helps clear my head,” he offered as they drew near to the forest on the right side of the compound. She looked at him in understanding, and he sent her a smile. “Calms me down.” He looked ahead, and she suddenly felt an immense wave of relief engulf her entire body as she realized the weight of his words. 

Maybe she hadn’t ruined their relationship, after all. 

Steve fell into a light jog, and she joined him. She’d been expecting him to be hard to keep up with, but she was holding her own as they ran down the path amidst the trees. (Whether or not that was because he was slowing down for her, she wasn’t sure. She wanted to believe it was because she was strong and fast, but he was Captain America…)

As they continued to jog down the path, Y/N’s eyes flickered to Steve for just a brief moment. As she did, she completely missed the fallen tree branch on the path in front of her, and right as Steve cried out for her to watch out, her leg caught and she began to tumble forward. Her reaction time was off because she was so stunned by the sudden trip, and she wasn’t sure what to do.

She let out a surprised gasp when she didn’t reach the ground. Instead, she found herself in Steve’s arms. He had stepped in front of her in a flash, reaching for her and stopping her fall. It took her a moment to realize that he was laughing, and she looked up at him incredulously. As he continued to laugh, his head thrown back, she found herself smiling, too. 

“Steve,” she whined, which only caused him to laugh even more.

“I’m sorry,” he said, breathless. He was grinning – absolutely beaming - and all she could hear was his deep laugh in her ears. His arms were around her, holding her to him. She was entirely overwhelmed, and he gripped her tighter as he laughed again. “Are you okay?” He was still smiling as he asked the question, one arm now on her lower back, and she could do nothing but search his face.

As she continued to stare up at him, the smile began to fade from her lips. He noticed a moment later, and his smile fell slightly, too. His eyebrows furrowed in concern, but she acted before he could speak, and before she could lose her nerve.

She closed the final gap between them, her lips pressing to his softly but with intent. After one long, slow kiss, she began to panic at his lack of reaction and moved to break away.

Then she noticed his grip on her waist tighten with one hand, and realized he was chasing after her mouth with his. His other hand lifted to thread into the hair at the back of her neck, and she felt her breath catch as he pulled her closer, finding her mouth with purpose.

He continued to kiss her, turning her so that her back gently hit the trunk of a tree. It was soft and sweet and slow and intense - all at once. Everything she loved about him.

Then he had pulled away abruptly, his blue eyes finding hers. He looked so shocked, so confused, and she felt her heart sink. 

“Steve-“

“I’m sorry,” came his quick words, before he’d let her go completely, and had begun to run again. 

She didn’t join him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please please comment if you're enjoying this! I think there's only going to be one more chapter. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr @barnestans if you're interested!


	4. Chapter Four

He’d kissed her back.

The man who never did anything without a purpose.

And then he’d left.

She guessed there’d been a purpose for that, too.

But all she knew was that her heart was entirely broken.

She avoided everyone for the rest of that day, claiming illness and locking her bedroom door. Wanda had brought her some chicken noodle soup, but other than that, she was left alone. When night finally came, she drifted in and out of uneasy sleep, her thoughts racing.

The thought that kept resurfacing the most was that he didn’t _have_ to kiss her back. Steve, of all people, would never lead someone on - not the Steve she knew. And she knew him extremely well.

She finally decided around 4:00am that before breakfast, she’d confront him. The thought made her heart race, but she knew she couldn’t dance around him any longer - not after what had happened. She had refrained from telling him how she felt because of their friendship, but she knew deep down that now, that relationship was never going to be the same.

When dawn finally rolled around, she pulled on a pair of shorts, taking a deep breath as she looked in the mirror to psych herself up. She finally forced herself to head towards the kitchen where she knew he’d be before he went on his runs, looking at her watch as she approached. She was just in time. When she pushed the door open, however, it wasn’t the tall blonde man who sat at the table, but Nat.

“Hey, Nat,” she greeted, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Weren’t you supposed to be on a mission with Tony?”

“Steve went instead,” Nat explained.

Y/N paused, furrowing her brow. “The one you were supposed to go on?” she repeated, and Nat gave her a look before returning to her coffee.

“He asked if he could take my place,” Nat shrugged. “Seemed like he needed to blow off steam. Hate Lithuania, anyway,” she said with a smirk.

Y/N nodded slowly, vaguely aware of Nat eyeing her curiously.

“What’s up?” the redhead finally asked. Y/N snapped out of her stupor, meeting the other woman’s gaze.

“Uh,” she stumbled for words, “nothing. Just had a, um, a question for him.”

“Uh-huh,” came Nat’s response, and Y/N felt her cheeks flush at the insinuation in Nat’s tone. Y/N nodded again before turning and heading back to her room to change and go to the training room – she had a date with a punching bag.

***** 

For the next few days, she was left to her thoughts and her thoughts alone. She hadn’t been picked up for any missions – it was mostly quiet for them except for reconnaissance, arms dealer and negotiation missions, and there wasn’t a huge abundance of need for her specific powers. In any other circumstance, she wouldn’t have minded it – but this time, she was desperate to get away and she couldn’t.

Y/N spent those days in the gym, spending hours on the punching bags and even more on the treadmill. She had been inspired to start running again at the beginning of her and Steve’s run, but by the end of it she had been ready to write it off forever. So she settled for the treadmill. 

No one knew when they’d be back from the mission. As Nat had put it, they’d “be back when they finish the mission.” Y/N hated that answer, but tried not to show it. 

It wasn’t until one evening when she was training that Wanda came in and nodded over to her with a, “Mission’s back,” before turning to the mats in the middle of the room to practice. Y/N’s heart leapt into her throat. 

A million questions ran through her mind. Should she talk to him now? Should she storm into whatever room he was in and accuse him outright? That was honestly what she felt like doing. No matter how gentle the captain was with the people around him, she knew she couldn’t be soft about this – even if she’d probably feel guilty later because his reaction would probably be calm and collected, as per usual. But she couldn’t help it. In the days that she’d been given to think, she’d gotten less sad and angrier instead. She _needed_ to get some closure. 

She unwrapped her bandaged hands for punching slowly, trying to act rationally. She decided to head to her room to gather her thoughts and let the rest of the team settle before she would find him in his room. 

When the sun finally set, and the tower was quiet, she balled her hands up into fists at her sides and headed just down the hall, to where Steve’s room was located next to hers.

As she stood in front of his closed door, she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Maybe she should just let it go? Ignore him? Pretend nothing happened? Move to Spain? Maybe-

Her thought train was stopped as she heard noise from behind the door, and she took a step back in panic. When she realized that he wasn’t coming to the door, she took a step forward, leaning in to see if she could hear what he was doing. She tried to make sense of the repetitive footsteps, back and forth, back and forth, before she realized that he was pacing. 

She furrowed her brow as the noise stopped, and she tried to figure out what was going on. Steve was definitely more of a stand-with-crossed-arms-and-assess-the-situation type of guy – he never paced. She grew instantly concerned – was he okay?

She almost forgot how nervous she was as she lifted a hand to knock softly. There was no response, and she tried again as she said quietly, “It’s me, Steve.” 

There was still no response. She wasn’t sure how much of a violation of privacy this was, but she was worried about him, and so – she gently turned the knob and poked her head inside. 

“Steve,” she said softly, her throat closing at the site of him hunched over, his head in his hands. She took a tentative step inside, closing the door behind her. She knew he’d heard her announce herself at the door when he didn’t turn to see who it was. He lifted his head but instead of meeting her eyes, he avoided them, turning his face to the side. She watched as his jaw clenched, and when he attempted to clear his throat she suddenly realized that he’d been crying. 

Her heart clenched tight inside her chest.

“Steve,” she repeated, but she was too afraid to take any steps closer. Her mind flashed with memories of the last time she’d tried to comfort him, and her heart ached at the thought. When he didn’t say anything, simply staring at his feet, she felt like she was being punched in the gut. She’d never felt so small, so useless – for the first time in their friendship, she didn’t know how to help him, and the thought of that broke her heart.

She swallowed hard as she finally said, “I’ll go get Bucky.”

She turned, moving hastily in an effort to get out of there as quickly as possible, but Steve’s voice stopped her.

“You can stay.”

She paused before turning back in surprise.

“Please stay,” he added. 

Everything that had happened between them was forgotten in the moment, and she moved to sit beside him, giving him space if he needed it. He still didn’t meet her eyes – something that was so uncharacteristic of the man who never stood down from standing up for what he believed in. 

It was quiet between them for a few moments, and she waited patiently. She could tell he was trying to compose himself as he sighed, closing his eyes and running his hand across his face. He finally met her eyes, and she felt like she was being punched in the gut when she saw the tears in them. He searched her face, and she couldn’t speak even if she wanted to. Then his gaze fell, and he shook his head before speaking.

“I’m not fine, Y/N. Don’t think I have been for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the long wait. Life has been absolutely crazy. Let me know if you enjoyed this chapter! And feel free to follow me on tumblr @barnestans. 
> 
> Xoxo,  
> Leslie


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Please leave a comment or kudos if you like it :) You can also find me @barnestans on tumblr!

It was quiet between them again - almost awkwardly so - and she wished beyond belief that she had the words to say. She wanted to do anything - to reach out and touch him, to comfort him... anything. But she remained frozen in place, desperate not to break the little bit of what was left of their friendship.

“Steve...”

He shook his head, and she stopped talking as she began to panic again. Why had he asked her to stay?

“I can’t stop seeing them,” he finally said, surprising her. His voice was rough. She barely heard him, but his next words were a bit louder. “The people we’ve lost since this whole thing began. The people I’ve lost...” He paused, shaking his head and looking down at his feet. She heard the soft catch in his voice, and she willed herself to keep it together. For him. “So many of them have been my fault,” he continued, his throat choked up. “If I’d just been there 2 seconds before, if I’d just...”

He trailed off, and she knew then that she had to speak up - even if it meant risking what they had. Even if it meant he’d never speak to her again in the same way.

“Can we just forget everything for a minute, Steve?” She finally let out, her voice soft and full of emotion. She knew there was no use in telling him it wasn’t his fault - he wouldn’t believe her. His blue eyes met hers, confused. “I don’t mean...” she paused, gathering her thoughts, and she could feel his eyes on her as she looked away. “I don’t mean forget about them - I know you won’t. But for a second, can you just let go of it all? For a second, can you just be Steve Rogers and not Captain America? The Steve that I know is in there, desperate to come out because he can’t hold it all in anymore.” She paused, turning back and risking her heart by gently lifting a hand to softly rest on his arm. “You don’t have to hold it in, Steve.”

She watched as he flinched for a moment at her touch, but he didn’t move. His eyes didn’t leave hers, and she would never have been able to predict his next move.

He leaned forward abruptly, his forehead falling to rest against her shoulder. After a moment of shock, her hand lifted to thread into the hair at the base of his neck, pulling him in and wrapping her other arm around his back. His fingers grasped at her sides. She felt his weight sink against her, and she had to swallow the lump in her throat to stop from crying again. She’d never, ever seen Steve like this.

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. She didn’t dare move for fear of scaring him back into his armoured fortress, and she didn’t speak. It was silent in the room - he wasn’t crying, at least not audibly, but she could feel the sense of relief in his body as he leaned into her. She never wanted to let go.

He finally pulled away slowly, and her hands fell from his shoulders. He avoided her eyes for a few moments, and she played with her fingers in her lap as she waited for him to say something. Finally, he turned his head, his blue eyes meeting hers with a fond, soft gaze. The look in his eyes nearly knocked the wind out of her.. He searched her face, and she shrugged in response, sending him a soft smile.

“Hey Y/N,” he finally said, and she didn’t know why because she wouldn’t have been able to take her attention off of him if she wanted to. “Thanks for standing by me.”

She was surprised, her eyebrows furrowing. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He paused, looking away, and she could tell he was fighting for the right words. “Because I’ve been a bit of a jerk recently.”

She felt her cheeks flush at the memory of all that had happened, and she cleared her throat quietly. “It’s fine, Steve. I knew you weren’t really okay.”

He nodded, looking down at his hands. She watched as a piece of hair fell in front of his eyes and was so enthralled that she was startled when he spoke again.

“You didn’t deserve that,” he added. She wasn’t sure to which part he was referring, but she shrugged.

“I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say it, Steve Rogers,” she said as she stood up, “but I love you no matter what.”

He was quiet, and she turned back to face him in question. His smile had fallen, and he was staring at her. It took her a moment to realize why. When she replayed her words in her brain, she felt herself go white.

“I mean, uh - like, as a _friend_ , obviously,” she stammered as she tried to recover. She continued to ramble, only stopping when he stood up and took a step forward.

“Y/N.”

His gaze was still just as soft, but now there was a question in his eyes that she wished would disappear. She wanted to be swallowed whole.

“Steve,” she breathed out, looking down and shaking her head. “Don’t… Steve,” she repeated. She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes and she took a step back, putting her hands out as if to create a barrier in between them. “Please just let it go.”

“If you want me to let it go,” Steve said after a pause, his voice low, “I’ll let it go. But if you meant what I think you meant by that…”

“Come on, Steve, you had to know. You kissed me back and then you left,” she said abruptly, cutting him off as she finally met his eyes again. “Don’t make this worse. We’re friends, Steve, and I know I have to be fine with that.” She looked back down at her feet, crossing her arms as the silence between them dragged on.

She could feel his eyes on her face, and she wished he would say something. Anything. She just wanted him to confirm what she already knew – that he didn’t, and never would, feel the same way.

“Truth is, I kissed you back because I wanted to.”

It took her a moment to register his words. When she finally looked up, her eyebrows furrowed, he had his arms crossed and he was shaking his head. He gave a little shrug, his eyes sincere, and sent her a sad smile.

“I thought you might feel the same,” he said quietly. She was confused. _Felt the same?_ What was he saying? “When you kissed me, I…” he trailed off, and she refused to look at him. He took a step forward and she immediately retreated into herself again, crossing her arms tight against her chest. “I’ve felt this way for a long time.”

She felt frustration building up in her chest, and it was enough to overpower the elation she felt at his confession. “So what the _hell_ , Steve?”

“I’m not good enough for you,” he stated firmly, and she was taken aback by the sudden strength in his voice.

“What?”

“I’m not good enough for you,” he repeated, his eyes unwavering on hers. She could see the Captain side of him emerging again as he spoke, his words firm and purposeful. “There’s about a hundred years’ worth of keeping it all in here,” he continued, gesturing at his chest. “I don’t know if I could live with you carrying the burden of that. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to you.” His voice got softer as he looked down at his feet. “You don’t deserve that.”

She was shocked into silence, and she couldn’t stop staring at him, even though he wasn’t looking back at her. What the hell?

“You don’t know what I can handle, Steve.” Her words came out angry and bitter, and it was her that took the step forward this time. “You don’t know what I deserve. I _love_ you, Steve,” she said, softer this time, and his eyes finally shot up to meet hers. The words hung in the air for a moment, and her heart was pounding. “I love you,” she repeated, and she watched as his eyes searched all over her face. “Every single part of you. If you don’t want to be with me, I will find a way to survive that, but Steve…” She couldn’t believe how brave she was being as she trailed off, closing the distance between them and gently lifting a hand to his face. “Nothing you say to me would be a burden. You could never be a burden to me, Steve Rogers.”

The silence in the room was deafening. She knew this was it – she’d officially laid it all out on the line. Her hand moved to fall from his face as the silence lingered, but within seconds, he’d grabbed her hand and had pulled her back in.

A gasp was caught in her throat as he kissed her, slow and firm. It was one long, slow kiss, but it had rendered her completely breathless yet again. When he pulled away, she felt her heart sink as memories of the morning in the forest flashed through her mind.

“Steve, please don’t-“

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments if you enjoyed, and follow me on tumblr @airforcecollins!


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